Noodles on a Bike

I'm sorry.

The best conclusion I can come to about my current actions and doings is that I'm afraid of responsibility.
I know I'm afraid of responsibility and this is not the correct way of handling it, but it's what I'm doing for now.
With all the college stuff and money issues arising I am being forced to make a lot of decisions that will actually affect me in the future.
So, in retailiation I'm choosing to not be completely responsible in my "social life."
Instead of making smart choices I'm making different choices, doing things that I wouldn't normally do.
Saying that I'll go places or call people and not. I don't mean to, but it's happening.
And I'm sorry that I'm not doing much to change it.
Hopefully I will be changing my habits so that people don't get hurt.
If I don't, I'm sorry. Know that I don't mean to hurt you, I'm just, an idiot.

Also, stress is easily coming into play upon learning that sucide rates are high among college freshman.
This doesn't really apply to me, but it makes me worried about my friends who are doing really hard college work.
And the fact that a bunch of my friends are gone. And that by the end of September, all of my friends that are scheduled to leave, will be gone.
And of course, the whole college experience. Yeah, I'm not going to a bunch of parties because I'm at home, with my parents, but my friends are out there, away from their parents, away from the old friends, making new friends and doing activities that they normally wouldn't do.

Frankly, I'm sick and tired of the alcohol and drugs.
I don't care how safe you think it is, I'm scared shitless.

Lastly, my worse point.
I'm seventeen.
Just seventeen.
I can't vote, I can't drive after midnight, I can't enlist in the army, I can't gamble.
I'm still a kid and as long as I can swing that point I will.

Sorry to those I've hurt, know that I still love you, I'm just going through a strange period in my life.